Considering I get paid to write, I've been struggling to write in my journal and on my blog for months. It's not that I don't have anything to talk about - I do - I have been struggling to put those thoughts I have onto paper. And alas, months and months of those thoughts have been building up over time and came knocking on my door this week after a nice little trigger.
Triggers are something I'm very new to mainly because I didn't recognise them before as being things that set off my depression or anxiety (or both). But over the past two years, I've realised what things are most likely to trigger my low moods or even my highs and I'll try to manage it as best as I can. Over a year ago, I used to manage my mental health issues by running. I'd run and run and run and throw myself into every single workout class I could find. From strength to yoga to spin classes, I'd be there seven days a week.
But this year has been very different. I fell out of love with running and I fell out of love with writing in my journal. The two things I relied upon to keep me afloat became things I loathed. This year I've not had much to turn to. Depression has affected my concentration levels too; therefore if I try to read a book, I can't read a single page without putting it down.
The only time I felt totally relaxed was when I was on holiday in Italy. I was so relaxed I read a whole book from cover to cover in five days. I couldn't put it down, I totally emerged in the story as if it were my own life story. I wish I could be back in that frame of mind where I was completely at peace with myself.
My physical health over the last couple of months hasn't been great. My endometriosis has come back after three years of experiencing no symptoms and it's been quite a shock to my system, especially after the doctor contacted me to discuss my test results. I'm 24 but there's a high chance that I am infertile and will later develop further complications with my reproductive system due to my history. It was a lot to take in and I felt like my head went into total overload and shock - I couldn't breathe and had to take myself home.
Now I am signed off work for a week due to stress, the doctor has put me back on my fluoxetine medication and has told me to rest. My headache and eye twitches prevail despite taking an unprecedented amount of painkillers. I'm sleeping loads, it's as if I'm catching up on years worth of sleep, yet I made sure I slept seven hours each night - typical.
While I've been struggling to put how I feel into words recently, as I write this post, it's quite cathartic. I wish I could speak openly and freely to others like how my hands easily slide across the keyboard, but I've always been this way, sadly. Even when I tried counselling once, I remember sitting in front of this psychiatrist who tactically made sure she was sat opposite the clock. I'm extremely socially aware and noticed her clock-watching and subsequently I felt I was wasting her time so I left and never returned.
Maybe one day I'll return to counselling or CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) although who actually has the time for this? For now I'll seek solace in my journaling - here's to actually sticking to it.