Me, my depression and I
It strikes again. I knew it was coming, I could feel it all week.
Am I going to break? Or am I going to be okay? Okay i'll keep myself busy so I can stay focussed. I won't waste a single hour in my day just in case in that quiet hour it strikes.
I'm at work, exhausted. Eyes heavy, I've got the shakes. Espresso, lots of espresso. I should eat though, maybe I'll eat some cucumber, that'll keep me going until lunch time.
That hasn't worked. I still feel really shit. Like an anchor is on my shoulders. Why do I feel so heavy? I can't actually concentrate on the computer screen. But I reallllyyyyyy need to write this copy for the social team. Jess pull yourself together and write it, it's easy, it'll only take you 5 minutes. *30 minutes later* why haven't I written anything yet? Why isn't my brain working? Okay, here we go. Let's try again. Fucks sake. Okay done. It's almost 5.30pm. I can go home and sleep. Ugh but I've gotta get on the damn train. I want to sleep on the train but I can't. What if I dribble? What if I snore? Are people looking at me right now? Why is that woman staring at me? Have I got visible bags under my eyes?! Oh god, I look like shit. Everyone knows it. Everyone knows I'm exhausted. God, everyone knows I'm working too much. Calm down. Keep your head down and turn your music up Jess. Oh no but I've got this writing to do later, how am I going to find the time? Will I have time to eat dinner? What if I fall asleep and don't get to write anything? Why am I shaking?! Ok put on some classical music that'll work. Nope, more anxious. Ok, headspace app, go! Ok, that's a little bit better but wish that guy over there would stop staring at me though. I wish I could hide or go home another way. I want my mum. Almost home now.
I hate walking home. It's too dark. And I'm about to get killed by all these people sneaking up on me. Hate this walk, hate it, hate it, hate it. Why are there barely any street lights? Should've got a taxi. But I forgot I have no money. Or maybe someone to walk me home? Probably get killed. Ok Jess just concentrate on walking home, it's only a 4 minute walk. But it feels like an hour's walk, why is this so difficult?! Fuck. Okay almost there. Why is it so dark?! I hate winter.
Home, finally. Need a wee though, hurry up and open the door. Ok, it's warm in here. My body hurts. I'm so tired I can't even wee. My appetite has gone. No I'm not hungry, I'm tired. I can't think, please don't talk to me. I can't sleep either, but my body hurts. Why is my chest vibrating? It's really vibrating every 2 minutes. My arms are shaking. My hands are cold now but i'm sweating. Okay I'll eat but I have no energy to feed myself.
Oh no, it's coming. Oh. I can't stop crying. Tears, snot, brain pounding. Explosions in my mind, why does my head feel like it's about to blow up. Someone please stop this. Oh no mum. Mum I can't stop crying. She's holding me. Dad's here. Why am I crying? I don't know. Everything's black. But my head is vibrating. Temples convulsing. Body shaking.
I'm lying down. Body and chest still shaking. Shivering from the cold but still sweating. Eyes glazed. Trying to distract myself by listening to Spotify. Acoustic soul. Tears streaming down my face, can't even manage a smile. But the music is nice. It's really nice. More tears. I can hear it but I feel nothing. I love music why don't I feel anything. I can't even sing. I'll cry again.
This will pass. Once I get to sleep it'll pass. Then everything will go back to normal. Until it strikes again.